Jon and I had decided to leave more children completely up to God. We'd prayed that if it be His will, to please bless us with another baby. Our prayer was quickly answered as I conceived very shortly after weaning Annabel. At our six week appointment we saw a very healthy little baby with a heart just beating away at a perfect pace. We were so excited. He/she was going to arrive in July. Yay, a summer baby!
I went in for an ultrasound at 10 weeks and found that our sweet baby's heart was no longer beating. It appeared that he/she stopped developing around 7 weeks gestation. What a horrible, sickening, panicky feeling that was as the ultrasound tech tried every angle and every device just to be sure what we were seeing was really happening.
Then I felt a peace come over me. A peace that only God can give. This was not a part of my plans. I had already started decorating a nursery in my head. We had already discussed names. We'd already told all our family. We had already planned to hold a sweet new baby in our arms in July 2013. God had something else in mind. God's plans are better than mine. God sees things we cannot see. God loves us. God is doing what's best for everybody. That gave me peace. That's the only thing that could have given me peace.
We are doing okay. We are going to be okay. We are going to have a child we've never met before when we get to Heaven. I know that. But my heart still hurts when I see people announcing their pregnancies that would have coincided with mine. Not because I'm not happy for them. I am. I just think about all the fun things they're about to experience, and I'm sad I'm missing out on that. Every time I think about July, my heart hurts. I won't be holding a sweet new baby in my arms like I'd imagined.
But I praise God. I praise God for my two beautiful little girls. I praise God for my wonderful husband. I praise God for my health. I praise God for my family. And I even praise God for His supremely perfect plan that I can't see yet. We are blessed. We are happy. We are okay.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psalms 139: 13-16